Question meme
Dec. 5th, 2011 11:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I haven't done one of these in forever and I guesssssss things have happened. Also, I'm sick and bored. :(
So here's your question meme for Ryner/Night and Zero/Thorn.
So here's your question meme for Ryner/Night and Zero/Thorn.
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Date: 2011-12-06 04:58 am (UTC)Has any vampire stuff caused problems for Zero in Aather, other than his own personal issues over it?
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Date: 2011-12-06 05:32 am (UTC)Tell me more about Drift's issues with being fictional.
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Date: 2011-12-06 05:55 am (UTC)Then they worsened once he started to get his memories about Alice, which came hand-in-hand with his fictional issues. His failures in Aather were suddenly magnified, even though he wanted to hold off of buying directly into his old life. He started indulging in self-deprecation more and getting more anxious! But, at the same time, he felt his feelings had validity! He had just as many rights as anyone else and he wanted to be happy and do this and that and be Drift!
Only actually lol no because guess what, his feelings don't have validity if he isn't even real! He doesn't... know what to do with himself, it kind of scares him? Because he's been suspecting it for awhile and having it almost entirely confirmed is just the worst thing. He feels utterly alone -- because there is no one else, that he knows of, who is also fictional in Aather right now -- and he doesn't know who to talk to because. no one understands. He doesn't want to hear "You're just as real as any of us!" because that sounds privileged to him. Of course they can say that! They don't know what it's like to not be real! They don't understand his feelings! But it's not like they're wrong not to understand his feelings because his feelings aren't real and don't mean anything and he should just disappear \o/ SUDDENLY EVERYONE EXCEPT HIM IS RIGHT because they are actual people. Like would you ask a piece of paper how it feels? Really??
It scares and depresses him because that means everything he's done up until now is pointless, and he feels like a reject because he has a memory specifically stating he should have never developed a consciousness in the first place. HE IS A FAILURE AT BEING WORDS ON A PAGE how much lower can you even go. He sees his "existence," if one can call it that, is meaningless and anything he tries to do other than to compensate for whatever he was written for is just running away (something he resolved not to do, hence why he actually read Alice in Wonderland). HE DOESN'T KNOW WHO TO BLAME so he just blames himself. He wishes he had never been written so he would never had to experience anything, and he wishes he had never gotten his memories back so he could have lived in ignorance (but not bliss, because he sees himself as ruining his own chances even with amnesia, that is how much he sucks!!).
A small part of him still wants to believe himself to be real -- which is why it hurts him so much; he's still struggling. He wants to have friends, and have fun, and do this, and do that, and believe he's just as worthy as anyone else! He wants it so bad but he doesn't want to believe in something that isn't happening. He's somewhat indignant at being something -- as he says in the drama cd -- that can be changed and tossed and written to be played with at one's leisure, for fun; but at the same time he wonders if that's really all he's good for. His memories provide Alice someone easy to focus his thoughts on, so that's what he's doing -- he's going back and forth on what he wants to think, but right now he's settled on self-deprecation.
Another thing is that he's kind of terrified of what this will do. Like -- he tried to hide it until his sort of breakdown after Odile's game, but he is genuinely terrified of how people will take it, and if they'll just confirm his fears that he's less than them, or that they'll give him pretty, privileged words (which, to him, indicates a lack of honest caring about him). Like, in particular, he's utterly terrified of the word getting out to Natsume. NATSUME HAS ISSUES WITH SEEING THINGS THAT AREN'T REAL so he is so certain that if Natsume ever found out he'd be not only betraying his friend in the worst way, he would also lose his first and closest friend. And then he will truly be all alone.
He just really wants to disappear right now. Barring that, he might need a good cry, but he doesn't actually know how to cry in Aather or in canon.
Did Zero ever wonder what happened with the book Drift quested for . . .
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Date: 2011-12-06 06:05 am (UTC)Whose booking would absolutely destroy Drift?
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Date: 2011-12-06 06:49 am (UTC)Someone Zero really wants to see from his world and someone he really doesn't?
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Date: 2011-12-06 07:13 am (UTC)Reverse!
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Date: 2011-12-07 12:33 am (UTC)ryner vs zero battoru who would win
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Date: 2011-12-10 04:59 pm (UTC)NO CONTEST.